Interview with The Organic Self

TW // sexual violence, child abuse

When I first caught wind of The Organic Self, the Instagram page had about ten followers. I just so happened to reach out to the creator of the page on her personal account a few weeks before the birth of the project to ask about her experience with vaccine access in her state. That spawned into a larger conversation and we stayed in touch fairly consistently over the next few weeks. So, when she reposted a new creator account around that time, I figured, “Fuck it, let's see what this is about.”

Over the next few months, I watched (and read) as this quite different, unique style of digital art evolved. Having a background in interviewing graphic designers, sculptors, painters and pencil-to-paper illustrators, I was struck by how unapologetically digital The Organic Self was. Posts were done in slides. There were words along with almost every picture. This didn't feel like it came from the mind of your typical visual artist. But I liked it because on some level it was interactive. The words and pictures told a story that you needed to click through to fully experience.

Five months later, the art style had evolved and The Organic Self had thousands of followers. I reached out to the other guys at Black Bulb to see if they'd be interested in a remote interview with TOS. They agreed. By the time we got on the phone, only a few days later, the page had already garnered another 1,000 followers. How? Luckily, I was able to ask the creator of TOS herself.

The following interview was transcribed, then heavily edited and paraphrased from an hour long phone conversation.

Why did you start The Organic Self?

I started the Organic Self a long time ago, when I was a kid. I think your question is why I started on Instagram?

Well, now that you've told me that, I kind of want to know the answer to both.

Well, when I was younger, I had a lot of dark stuff going on. A lot of sexual abuse, in and out of the home. I was taking care of a parent who was an addict. I got the crap beat of me from people who were supposed to be taking care of me, and just a lot of really heavy stuff. Sorry, by the way. You might want to put a trigger warning on this article. Can I swear?

I'm writing the whole thing. You can do whatever you want.

I don't want to offend you.

You're not going to offend me.

Okay. I was like, "Why the fuck did you leave me here?” I was looking at the sky, like, “Why am I here? Just to suffer? Just to feel like crap?” And I would go into books and I would go into, you know, creating things. Art, music and theater. I did so much theater and improv. Anything I could use to escape. Writing was a big part of that. I've been writing for a really long time. I've also been in therapy and my therapist was like "you know you've been doing a lot of art therapy and that's how you've been getting by," and I had never thought about it that way. My writing just felt, not about me, but about hoping for a world where people didn't hurt each other. It started out as me writing down pretty dark stuff. I got called into the principal's office more than once and was asked "Are you okay?" And I was like "Yeah I'm okay. What do you mean?" *Laughs*. I don't know, I went through a lot, so I just needed a way to escape. 

I've done a few iterations of TOS. I first started publishing on an anonymous Tumblr 10 years ago. I didn't think anyone would care. I showed people every once in a while--usually with a good response--but I wasn't sure why. I can't explain everything that went into this, but a while ago I did this podcast with a very good friend of mine, Alex, who is a sweetie. It's not that podcast specifically, but it sent me into a spiral because the podcast brought up a lot of old stuff to drudge through like sexual assault and some things that had been going on with my family. After that, I began seeking and searching again, and I felt uncomfortable. I felt really tired of what I was doing and felt like I'd rather just be myself. It just felt a lot less tiring to just be honest. So part of me being honest is just me sharing this stuff. And, surprisingly, it's been getting an insane reaction. I mean, I woke up this morning and I had over 250 new people joining me on that journey over at TOS and I was like this is insane. I just feel better being allowed to be myself and out in the open. I've always been, pretty much, myself, but I've felt pretty caged a lot and I don't need to feel caged. I've done a lot of that to myself. It's been a weird year. I actually got the vaccine and I felt really weird after that. And I'm a very active person, always exercising and working, but I couldn't do anything for like 2 weeks straight. I was so leveled. I got this really weird brain fog and I felt kind of, like, loopy and strange. And I was like, “I don't have anything to do.” I met with a few of my friends a couple of weeks earlier and they also inspired me and I was like I think I'm just gonna do this because I was in this really weird headspace and I couldn't really do anything else. I couldn't work. So for like 2 weeks I just started making art and then I started learning how to draw. I did not know how to draw before that. I just started watching YouTube tutorials. I knew a little bit, but a lot of it was just intuitive. I started learning more and more and I've had friends help me along the way. That was a very long answer.

That's fine. You said you kind of felt like you had put yourself in a cage. Was that you trying to be happier than you actually felt? Or, perhaps, trying to present something that didn't feel authentic?

I’ve done a lot of stuff trying to fit in. I'm a very weird person and I feel very awkward and uncomfortable a lot of the time. And I feel like a lot of people are like "Oh, you're so authentic." and I'm like "Thank you, it's very uncomfortable." And it's a very nice thing to hear, because it's very hard, you know. It's not cushy all the time. But I tried to fit in and relate and understand and I finally just got really tired of it. I don't want to relate to anybody else. I want to be me. I'm tired of trying to fit into a box. And I'm tired of trying to be a person who doesn't rock the boat. I've been told my opinions are very loud, or that I shouldn't bring this up or just fit in. I've been told that so much. But all the ways I'm succeeding in life, I haven’t fit in and I haven't shut up. So I think I'm just going to be done trying to fit in in all the other areas of my life. I'm myself. I'm a weirdo. I'm not okay with the box anymore.

You mentioned that you woke up with 250 new followers today. I remember looking at your account like a week ago and you had, like, 1000 less followers? And I was like, “That’s weird.”

I think it's weird, too. I'm freaking out.

Any idea how it went so exponential so quick?

I don't think so. It's a lot of ordinary people, like you and I, just sharing. You can see story re-shares if you have a branded account. And I freak out every day, like “Oh my God.” There's hundreds of shares. And I feel like crying. It's amazing. It's just people being really awesome. I'm so grateful.

In the beginning, TOS was basically two colors and some poetry. Hopefully it's okay that I'm calling it poetry.

Initially, I kind of hated that word but I've kinda embraced it now because there isn't really a better one.

I kind of hate it too, but there's nothing wrong with it.

Poetry is fine.

So you started with more of a graphic design style, tried out different color schemes, but you were really prolific. Do you think that helped you evolve so quickly?

Well, I wanted to share my writing, but I only wanted to share on Instagram and nobody is going to read your writing on there without some kind of design behind it. I started with basic illustrations and graphic design because that was all I knew how to do. But after a while, I thought, "This isn't enough," and so I started learning more about illustration as well as investing in new tools. All my free time goes into this. Also, utilizing series has helped me a lot. And I'll just find random tutorials. So, I think you're right. Being consistent and hitting it really hard has been really helpful for me.

So, I guess my next question is, your content has gotten more sexual recently. Is there a reason for that? Do you see that being a more consistent theme going forward, or is it just something you're exploring for right now?

Part of it is me casting off some chains. It's oppressive not to be able to express yourself sexually and not feel like you're going to be hunted down for it and be harpooned by some random dude's dick on the internet. It's therapeutic to be able to just put it out there, you know, like these are people doing something that a lot of us do. And it's normal, and it's fine. So that feels nice to me. But it's gotten more sexual recently because I've gotten more comfortable with it. And like you said there has been a progression in my style, and part of that is because I've wanted to become more of myself through this, through TOS. I've wanted to be more authentic and more realistic to who I am. And a lot of what I experience in my day-to-day is really crappy messages. I don't know where they're coming from, but I get a lot of crappy stuff in my inbox every day, and I don't need it. So if I'm feeling like shit or whatever, because somebody sent me something terrible, then this might be a way for me to cast off the chains. But it's also a way to grab people's attention. I'm not looking to do what's marketable, I'm looking to do what's myself, which I think has helped with the success. But it grabs people's attention. And I can make anything sexual, but there's something sexual about creativity. I had a friend tell me the other day that sexual energy is creative energy, and I have felt that. But I've had other people tell me that I'm just selling out. But I don't feel like that, because I don't feel like the message is bad. The message is always cosmic consciousness.

The second chakra is supposed to be the sex and creativity chakra.

Is it?

Well, that's what I've heard but I'm not a chakra expert.

Neither am I, but I'm always interested.

I've never really been one to judge the idea of appealing to the masses. I don't think there's anything wrong with that personally.

Well, I want a balance. I thought maybe I could do a lot more erotic art because that’s the stuff that always gets the most attention, but that's not authentic. I want to hit a medium where we're having conversations about all different levels of people being interested in each other and being there for each other, loving each other, and being nice. That's what I always want it to be about. Just be nice.

Is there anyone that inspired your visual style in particular?

I always loved sci-fi, fantasy, and vibrant colors. I love glow. I thought the effects in the Tron remake were really fucking awful, but I love that kind of vibe. I think it's a remarkable, powerful and strong aesthetic. The way those grids ran down stuck in my mind. But I always like dark, dirty techno. So I just kind of rubbed all those things together to develop my style. I have synesthesia so I've always been a very visual person and all that stuff has lived in my mind for a long time.

What keeps your head in a good creative space? What do you do to stay mentally healthy?

I exercise, get outside. I'm really big on movement, I always have been. I think it's really important. I think awe is really important. I just recently found out late last year that awe is an emotion and I found that fascinating. I always thought it was akin to happiness, but it's also very healthy for you to experience. There's like a Healthline article on it out there somewhere. I’m also big on music. I think being physically and mentally healthy is important. I am vegan, as you know. And I do therapy. I mean, I couldn't do any of this myself.

There's a recurring theme with skulls, not just with your art, but with so many people we interview. And I always like to ask 1) Have you noticed this? and 2) Why do you think that is?

Skulls are death and death is creation. But death is not the end. It's a way to show that you are the same but also checked out. You are stardust, but you’re also very-fucking-over people treating each other like shit. How great would it be if we all walked around as skulls or skeletons? It removes so many layers of bullshit. When you look at DNA, scientifically, there is no difference between somebody with more or less melanin. The rest of it is a spectrum of humanity. When you take away all the other crap and there's just a skeleton left behind. That in itself is a blank canvas that you can play with and tell a story with because, ultimately, what cosmic consciousness is, is looking at the root of everything. It's just one singular stream of repurposed matter. And that's what creativity is. Just like all the sounds you make when you're producing, all sounds have already been created but they might be repurposed in different ways. And I feel the same way about art. It's just light reflecting back at you in different ways. So I think skeletons do a really good job of illustrating that. And, when you get super creative, you get this kind of ‘dead-inside’ vibe for a little while or maybe a long while. And it's not really a bad thing, it's just a lot to be feeling a lot all the time. So, sometimes, you get a little emotionally checked out in other areas.

I never thought of it like that. That's a really good point.

Yeah.

Do you plan to expand off Instagram?

Well, I mean, I have a few things in the works I am very excited about. I get requests for prints and merch, and that will all happen in good time. I'm not really here to monetize off of this necessarily just yet. But I've got a book happening. And I've got some installations happening. I'm very excited about those. I was approached by Burning Man to do some artwork in that realm. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that. Hopefully, I can slide in next year. There's quite a few things in the works, but it's more about expanding consciousness and getting real trippy with yourself and reflecting and being honest. And it's really weird. I love the responses that I get, like "This is helping me process my break-up." Or "This is helping me feel less alone." And that makes me want to cry, that's great. So, it's made me feel more emboldened using Instagram as a platform to be able to go out there and be more bold and more loud with my work. So I'm excited about these things.

What can we expect next?

I need to get a lot more organized with the way that I'm posting. But I think we can expect a lot more vocality. I'm frustrated with the way that the world is right now and there's going to be a little bit of a stronger current. Not all the time, because I know that can put people off, but you know me. You know I've got a little of a fire in me and I can't keep my freaking mouth shut. I'm so grateful that people want to get in touch with whatever they want to get in touch with when they look at the work. That’s fine. It's art; it's subjective. But I think some stronger messaging is going to come into play. More of a call to be nice and fucking pay attention. Read a book. Use critical thinking. There are other variations of styles I'm going to try and blend in. But, eventually, I think it's going to be a lot of mixed media. So I'm excited about that.

You can follow The Organic Self on Instagram @theorganicself